A cause of doubt
by Mist At Dawn
Summary: As he looked up he could see the pity that nested in his brother's eyes; and he hated it, he didn't want anyone's pity it was his fault, was it not? "Edmund, it was nobody's fault…not yours, not Lucy's. It just happened." *No slash or romance!*


**This story has been a work-in-progress for nearly a year now and I finally got it done. **

**Enjoy and please review, that makes everyone happy ^^**

* * *

Edmund was sitting by the window, looking out over the rain-covered lands; occasionally glancing at the old dark red grandfather clock that was located next to the bookshelf.

Time seemed to go so slow here and even slower now when there was nothing to do. Looking around the room he could see Peter sitting by the big mahogany desk writing something down, a letter to mother perhaps? Susan was sitting in the sofa reading 'Chemistry for Schools' for the hundredth time, why she even bothered, Edmund would never know.

And then there was Lucy who was sitting on the floor with an old toy of hers, twirling it in her hands apathy. She really tried to look like she was enjoying it but she was fooling no one.

He turned his attention back to the paper that was sitting in his lap, letting the charcoal once again glide over the blank space he let the picture of the majestic lion he'd once known come to life.

It had been four days since they came back, four days since they where ripped from everything they held dear and it had all been his fault.

Once again he had screwed up and managed to cause distress for his siblings. He could feel the tears that where trying to push their way out and fall only to ruin his picture, he manage to swallow the tears before any of them could actually drop but he couldn't change the sorrowful expression fast enough.

"Edmund, is something wrong?" Lucy asked with concern as she got up from the floor and walked slowly towards him, and that little question had also drawn the attention from their older siblings.

"Is everything all right?" she asked as she sat down beside him on the windowsill.

He swallowed the last piece of sorrow and gave her a small smile of reassurance.

"Everything is fine, Lu. I was just thinking."

None of the siblings had to ask what he was thinking about; these days there was only one thing that could bring such an expression. Their faces turned grim but didn't say anything more about it; Peter and Susan went back to their previous engagement, while Lucy leaned over a little in order to see what Edmund had been painting.

"Oh Edmund," she gasped as she caught sight of the black and white picture, "It's beautiful."

"Well it's better than a unicorn." Edmund said with a sly smirk that made his little sister giggle in amusement and lightly swat his arm.

The grim faces' of the older two turned to soft smiles as they heard their younger sibling laugh about some shared secret, but then again they had a pretty good idea of what it was about since Peter had received a painting of a unicorn as a birthday present and Susan remembered the complete mess that the painting had brought which _she_ had to clean up.

"It looks so much like him." Lucy said with an adoring voice as she traced the lines of the picture with her fingers, while being very careful not to smudge it.

Edmund nodded once and then noticed that his sister suddenly became very quiet as she looked at the painting. Realising that tears slowly made their way down her cheeks he moved to comfort her, but he stopped himself when he became unsure of how to do it.

"It was so beautiful." she sniffled as the tears started dropping down on her hands. Suddenly becoming aware of that their younger sister was crying, Peter moved from his place by the desk and went to sit next to Susan, who at that point had but down the book and held out her arms to Lucy.

"Come here, Lucy," she said in a gentle voice and their little sister quickly moved form her brother's side and ran into the arms of her sister, wrapping her arms around her waist and held on in a tight grip as she let the tears roll down her face and onto Susan's blouse.

Edmund suddenly felt very useless as he watched his older siblings comfort Lucy. He stared at them for a while before he went back to his drawing, trying to focus only on how to draw the lines prefect while blocking out the terrible sound of his sister crying.

* * *

Supper had been extremely quiet. Lucy had stopped her crying but the sorrowful look was still on her face.

He was now sitting on his bed, with only a candle that lit up the room. In front of him he had the drawing of Aslan, earlier he had been tempted to throw it away since Lucy once again had caught sight of it and again it had brought fresh tears to her eyes.

Luckily Lucy had stopped him, saying that she really didn't mind that it made her come to tears. She wanted to remember.

He could hear them, his brother and sister sitting in the room next to his trying to make Lucy calm down. Putting the picture to the side he hopped down from his bed and slowly made it to their room.

"It's all my fault!"

"Hush now Lucy, you know that's not true." Susan softly whispered to the crying girl in her arms.

"It is! If I just hadn't let my curiosity get the best of me, we'd still be–"

"There's no way you could have known what would happen, Lucy," Peter said and gently laid a hand on her shoulder, "You can't blame yourself for this."

"But–"

"They're right, Lu." Edmund said and moved from his spot by the door causing his siblings to look at him.

He kneeled down in front of Lucy, who was pressing her face into Susan's chest

"This wasn't your fault and it never will be."

That was followed by a whispered _'it was mine'_ that went unheard by his sisters but not by Peter, who looked at him with a puzzled face but said nothing. Lucy slowly lifted her head away from Susan and gave a sniffle as she looked at Edmund.

"But I pulled us all away from our home…" Edmund was about to give an answer but Susan cut in.

"We're all together, and that's enough. And we'll make it back…someday."

Susan began stroking Lucy's back and humming a familiar lullaby. He watched as his younger sister slowly started to drift away to sleep, feeling once again unneeded he got up from the floor and headed back to his own room.

After receiving a nod from Susan that everything was all right, Peter headed out after him.

Peter found him sitting on his bed with the drawing once again in his lap. Closing the door softly behind him he went over to Edmund's bed and sat on the edge, never uttering a word, he sat and stared at his little brother.

It didn't take Edmund long to realise that Peter had something to say, he never just sat there staring at him if he didn't have something he wanted to bring up, the fact that he didn't say a word was just because he didn't know how to start. It wasn't the first time he acted like this and Edmund was sure it wasn't going to be the last.

Looking up from his drawing he looked his brother straight in the eye and asked,

"Did you want something, or are you just going to sit there staring at me?"

It was meant as a light joke, to somewhat break that tension. But the serious look in Peter's eyes quickly told Edmund that this was not time for jokes.

"What did you mean in there?"

His voice wasn't stern but it wasn't really soft either. Edmund, in reality knew exactly what Peter was referring to but decided to play dumb instead of selling himself out (that was a trap he had walked into before).

"In there? What, with the girls?" putting the drawing on the table beside the bed he turned back to his brother.

"All I said was that it wasn't Lucy's fault. What's so wrong about that, you said it yourself."

"Of course it's not her fault, but I wasn't talking about that. I was talking about the fact that you said it was yours – and don't try to deny it, I heard you."

The last part was added when Edmund had moved to object (lie) and say that he had uttered no such thing. And now Edmund could also hear the stern tone sneaking into Peter's voice (he was obviously not pleased with what had been said).

Edmund could feel the sorrow trying once again to resurface, tears stung behind his eyes and while he did his best trying to blink them away a few drops made their way down his cheeks and onto his hands.

"Edmund you can't do this. You can keep what ever it is you're feeling bottled up. If you think it's something we would get mad at you for you're wrong, I promise."

_What a lie _

If it had been said to Lucy he would have believed it, no one could really stay mad – or even get mad – at Lucy. But he had had his fair share of lectures from angry older siblings for something he had done (often that he'd disobeyed an order and gotten himself hurt because of it), and this was bigger than any of his past mistakes, well the traitor part might still be a little bigger. But that doesn't change the fact that _he _was the reason why his siblings where no longer in Narnia.

But there was no idea in hiding it, to wish that it would just fly away. Peter had heard him and he was not letting it go.

"What do you think it meant?"

Edmund said that in a harsher tone than he had intended, but he really couldn't help it anymore, all his feelings about the subject where bubbling over and anger and sorrow grew stronger.

"I think," Peter's voice had gone back to a softer tone in hopes that it might bring Edmund's biting temperament down, "That you are trying to blame yourself for what happened to us."

"_Trying_?"

The anger towards himself and to the fact that Peter didn't seem to understand quickly surpassed the sorrow.

"I'm not trying anything! Of course I blame myself, it was my fault wasn't it! If it hadn't been for me you wouldn't be sitting here in uncomfortable British clothes and Lucy wouldn't be lying in bed next door crying her eyes out!"

Peter had been a little surprised by his brother's outburst but quickly pulled himself together.

"What I don't understand is how you have gotten such an idea in your head. We've never blamed you because it has never been your fau–"

"Stop it! Stop trying to patronise me, you know as well as I do that I'm to blame, for some reason you just choose not to accept it! Lets face it! It would have been better if I didn't exis–"

"Hey! Watch your mouth."

Edmund looked away from his brother and Peter pinched the bridge of his nose before he continued.

"What in Aslan's name has made you think like this? It's complet–"

"I stopped!"

The two words echoed through the room, everything seemed to stop.

"What?"

"I…stopped…by the lamppost when we were hunting the stag. And then all of you came back for me…then you all saw the lamppost and you know the rest…"

Tears where now running freely down his cheeks, he never bothered to wipe them away. Peter now looked at his brother with a pained expression and Edmund just waited for the angry outburst that he was sure was going to follow.  
But when Peter stayed silent Edmund couldn't help but to sort his eyes.

As he looked up he could see the pity that nested in his brother's eyes; and he hated it, he didn't want anyone's pity it was his fault, was it not?

"Edmund, it was nobody's fault…not yours, not Lucy's. It just happened."

"But I stopped…"

"Why did you stop, Edmund?" there was something about it that made Edmund think that it wasn't really a question. Peter said in a tone that made him think that he already knew the answer.

"Well…Philip was tired so…"

"So are you saying that you blame Philip for this?"

"No!" Edmund snapped, "Of course I don't blame him, weren't you listening? And he didn't get tired on purpose! He can't be blamed for something he didn't even have power over."

"So you're saying that you got us back to England on purpose, that you wanted this to happen?"

"No, I…"

Judging by the small smirk that had made it's way to Peter's face, Edmund realised that he had walked right into a trap.

The reality was that if Philip hadn't stopped, his siblings wouldn't have come looking for him and they would never have spotted the lamppost. But Philip was tired and he was getting old so you couldn't blame him for wanting to take a rest, it wasn't like you knew where he was stopping, what it would lead to. Edmund never blamed him for it since he didn't have the power over it, and Peter had made Edmund stumble over his own words, if he didn't blame Philip for something he couldn't change, why would he blame himself?

Edmund averted his eyes and stared down at the floor, a habit he had developed when he realised that he was wrong (but only when discussing something with his siblings).

Peter recognised the gesture and moved closer to his brother to put an arm around him.

"Listen Edmund, even if you had done something that would have resulted in us getting away from home we wouldn't be mad at you. You're our brother and we love you, and all that really matters is that we're all together. I know that we'll see Aslan and all of our friends again, but until then we have each other.

"And don't try to put the blame on yourself, if you do I'll just have to prove you wrong once again."

Peter meant the last part as a joke. During their reign Peter had often tried to prove Edmund wrong whenever he was claiming something Peter didn't agree to, but because of Edmund sharp tongue and quick thinking, that had be proven to be very hard. So whenever he could make Edmund cast his eyes down he would make sure that Edmund wouldn't forget it.

Edmund rolled his eyes in good nature, "Yeah, well good luck with that. You might successes this time but don't get used to it."

"You're just saying that because you know I will succeed."

Edmund smiled and once again picked up the drawing from the table, studying every line.

"Peter, do you really think we'll see them all again?"

His older brother's eyes softened and he glanced down at Edmund's drawing, tightening his hold on his little brother just slightly.

"Yes, I'm sure, as soon as Aslan see fit. Now get some sleep, it's already late and I don't need you to be more grumpy in the morning than you already are."

He released his hold and hopped off Edmund's bed, while Edmund stuck out his tongue at his brother's remark.

The room went dark as soon as Peter blew out the lone candle, but before Edmund slipped away to a pleasant dream with a lion and all his friends, he said.

"Pete, thank you."

If Peter replied, he never heard it.

* * *

**I've seen so many fanfics where Lucy is the one beating herself up because they got back to England but if you think about it if Philip hadn't stopped they probably wouldn't have gone back to England. But since Edmund would never put the blame on Philip, he found a way to put it on himself.**

**Please review.  
**


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